you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize