I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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