And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
