life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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