my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dick very happy bro
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
