how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
