I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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