Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
