I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
