What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
