Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
