I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize