i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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