Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
im six kinds of drunk right now
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
