Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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