Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
