if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize