I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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