im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
