i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
love makes seman taste better
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
