she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
