I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
