theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
