FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize