I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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