Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
