Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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