i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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