she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize