How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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