frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
