just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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