I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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