They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
