Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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