i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
