yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
