I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
