I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
