So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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