At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
