If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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