genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
