my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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