I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
