The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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