morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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