I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
