Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
