Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
