I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
