She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
