On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
