My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
