I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
