oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
