There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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