dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
