Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
