So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
