I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
